What I Don't Need

6 months. As of today it's been 6 months since I held you. Since I felt your soft skin on my lips and observed every part of your small body. Since I kissed you goodbye for the last time. And it all seems like a blur now. But I miss you. And I know it's okay, that I'm okay and you're okay. But I'm mostly just jealous, because so many people get to hold their babies and I don't.

I don't know what I need to feel happy, because most of the time I still can feel happy. The only thing that would fix it isn't possible, so I'm as okay as I can be. What I don't need is the face people make when I tell them I have a daughter, but she was still born. What I don't need are sad faces and "sorrys" and everyone acting like I'm unstable if I post a picture of you. What I don't need is a reaction like you weren't a person. I need people to recognize how beautiful you are instead. For them to recognize your life and become aware of stillbirths, not just your stillbirth. 

No one gets it. They just try. And I'm grateful for caring and trying, but I just want more people to get it.

Songs to Grieve to...

There are certain songs that come on and just make my heart feel a little heavier, my eyes swell, and for a second I can feel my angel near me. Songs that make me think of Sawyer. And they didn't all start that way.

Stitches by Shawn Mendez; the first time I heard this song was on me and Devs road trip to Boston. I was tired and pregnant and it played nonstop for months and I sang it to her all the time. It came on on the way to the hospital for my check up.

If I Die Young by The Band Perry; it's not her song, it's Christys. My friend that died in a car wreck at 17. But it makes me think so much of them being together in Heaven. 

Never Grow Up by Taylor Swift; it's her song. It was our song. I played it for her in my belly almost every morning from around 16 weeks on... I haven't listened to it since.

A Drop In The Ocean by Ron Pope; were playing this at our wedding but it says "Heaven doesn't seem far away anymore" and is a pretty emotional song so definitely makes me think of her.

And this one is new, but Little Do You Know by Alex & Sierra; a new song that is supposed to be about a couple fighting but talks about hurting in secret and needing more time and perfectly explains my healing process.

Music really can help heal the soul. When I just need to feel sad I like having songs for Sawyer I can turn to. Does anyone else have songs they grieve to?

Strong.

Would you be "more sad" than me? Would you never leave your house? Would you end your life? Or live in denial? 

I'm sure I'm not the only bereaved mom who constantly hears it... "You're so strong" "I could never be as strong as you're being" ...am I not crying enough? Do I not miss her with every ounce of my aching being? I promise. Even when I appear to be being strong, my body is moments from a break down at the wrong words. I promise when I'm planning my wedding and escape to start over on the East coast it's an escape from the reality that all of my plans failed so I have to tell myself it's okay and keep going. I hate questioning my every move. My every word. The anxiety that comes with grief is more than the anxiety I tackled through my previous life. My pre-Sawyer life. That girl was strong. She could've been anything.

All I can be is my day-to-day best. The glued together shell of a broken person. A person that is going to get jealous and sad and is forever changed. But a mother. And that's something no one can take away from me. And I hold on to the hope that someday when I can watch my child grow they'll know their sister and make it all feel full circle and better. But my heart breaks when I think of people that don't have that hope, or even the idea of me not having that hope. Because without it I would honestly feel like I had nothing. 

I'm strong because I still have to look forward to what's next, for me and my future husband and because that's what Sawyer would want. ❤️