Today marks 3 months. 3 months since I held you, kisses your perfectly soft cheek, and memorized your face. My daughter has been gone for 3 months today. And I miss her. And I miss people asking about her and acknowledging our loss. I miss the feeling before, when I was truly happy and so excited. The thought of excitement scares the hell out of me now. I don't know how to be excited anymore. Because it all can go away with no warning. The feeling of no guarantee has never been so large. And I just want to go back...
3 months later and my heart doesn't know how to feel. I told my best friend today that if I could adopt a 3 month old daughter and name her Sawyer so I could just feel like this wasn't real I would. Not to replace her, but because I don't know how to feel of how I'm ever going to feel whole. People say I won't, but I want to. I also felt crazy for the feeing of wanting to dig my daughter grave to hold her again.. Until I read that it was a feeling bereaved mothers feel. And now I just feel like I've been living in this alternate mind club for 3 months. Today I took some new things to Sawyers grave, and then Devin stopped to talk to her and show her his first article in the Auburn newspaper (we are so proud!) and I just. Miss. Her.
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