It Isn't Fair.

When someone has a baby, people send balloons and cards and visit and it's exciting and they ask questions and want to know everything. 

When someone dies, people send flowers and cards and cry and check in and just care. Emmensely. 

I got the visits. I got the tears. But I missed out on the balloons. I missed out on the "it's a girl" "congratulations" cards.. I missed out on my baby shower, by 10 days. And I missed out on my baby. On her cries and in getting huge and on waking up al hours of the night. I just missed out. And I don't want to. I don't want to have to explain to my future children that their sibling is in heaven. I also don't want to have to cry when I'm pregnant again and worry. I don't want any of it. I especially don't want to have to face the fact that Sawyer is gone. That instead of being at our wedding she will be in a charm on my bouquet.. 

This is just the start of what isn't fair.