It Isn't Fair.

When someone has a baby, people send balloons and cards and visit and it's exciting and they ask questions and want to know everything. 

When someone dies, people send flowers and cards and cry and check in and just care. Emmensely. 

I got the visits. I got the tears. But I missed out on the balloons. I missed out on the "it's a girl" "congratulations" cards.. I missed out on my baby shower, by 10 days. And I missed out on my baby. On her cries and in getting huge and on waking up al hours of the night. I just missed out. And I don't want to. I don't want to have to explain to my future children that their sibling is in heaven. I also don't want to have to cry when I'm pregnant again and worry. I don't want any of it. I especially don't want to have to face the fact that Sawyer is gone. That instead of being at our wedding she will be in a charm on my bouquet.. 

This is just the start of what isn't fair.

Aches

It's like a broken bone. It heals. But every time it storms, it aches. My heart. My love for Sawyer. It all hurts, some days more than others. At night a lot lately. I keep finding myself crying when I want to sleep, waking up sweating, just like the week after she died. I wonder some nights what life would be like if she was here, others what would've happened if I went to the doctor that morning instead or not changed my appointment to Wednesday so I could work Monday. I know wondering doesn't help, but I can't help it. There are so many babies and pregnancies everywhere I look and I just still can't believe that this happened to me. I could name 100 babies or pregnancies right now and I was that 1%. And why can people talk about abortion or anything else but stillbirth is taboo?? The death of a baby is something that feels rude to bring up. And that sucks. 

If I know you and you have a baby or your pregnant, I might not like your posts some days. I might cry. And I might hate that you get what I just wish I could have back.. But I don't hate you. I'm jealous. So painfully jealous. And I can promise you anyone in my position just wants you to ask.. Not if they're okay. But just ask how they are? Or ask how old their baby would be. Or just something normal.

My first day of classes we had to write something interesting about us for the teacher to remember us by. I just wanted to say that I'm a mom, but it feels like a lie. Like I'm not considered a mom. But my heart is so completely consumed by Sawyer. I sleep with her blankets and surround myself with pictures of her and none of it is enough. Life without her makes my heart ache.

My Shooting Star

A shooting star, a bald eagle, flowers... These are things that remind me how lucky I am, but how much more beauty there is in things that don't last. They remind me of Sawyer. She's not here. I can't take new pictures of her or make new memories. I can't spend days staring at her. Shooting stars burn out. Bald Eagles fly away. Flowers die. That's why we get so excited about them. Because they're rare to see, or beautiful, or we know it doesn't last. She was that for me. Here for just a moment, but made me so happy when I felt her and when I saw her. When I see a shooting star, everything goes away for a minute because I feel lucky I caught that moment. Nothing will ever feel like a luckier moment than being Sawyers mom. 

I'd do anything for more than a moment. For her to be a couple weeks old right now. Or to have these last 2 months without her traded for 2 more months with her. But I can't. No matter how hard I pray or cry or push it away, it doesn't change. So I have to be grateful. I pray every night and tell God how thankful I am to be her mom, I pray that he holds her as tight as I wish I could and that she can feel my love for her. 

There's nothing else I can do but just remember and feel lucky. I've seen somewhere around 10 bald eagles and 3 shooting stars in the last 2 months... Every time I just remember how lucky I am to have my shooting star, watching me from Heaven with no pain or fear. But I sure do miss her.... And that's never going to go away. Like the hope when you look in the sky, waiting for a shooting star at night or a bald eagle in the sunset.