Aches

It's like a broken bone. It heals. But every time it storms, it aches. My heart. My love for Sawyer. It all hurts, some days more than others. At night a lot lately. I keep finding myself crying when I want to sleep, waking up sweating, just like the week after she died. I wonder some nights what life would be like if she was here, others what would've happened if I went to the doctor that morning instead or not changed my appointment to Wednesday so I could work Monday. I know wondering doesn't help, but I can't help it. There are so many babies and pregnancies everywhere I look and I just still can't believe that this happened to me. I could name 100 babies or pregnancies right now and I was that 1%. And why can people talk about abortion or anything else but stillbirth is taboo?? The death of a baby is something that feels rude to bring up. And that sucks. 

If I know you and you have a baby or your pregnant, I might not like your posts some days. I might cry. And I might hate that you get what I just wish I could have back.. But I don't hate you. I'm jealous. So painfully jealous. And I can promise you anyone in my position just wants you to ask.. Not if they're okay. But just ask how they are? Or ask how old their baby would be. Or just something normal.

My first day of classes we had to write something interesting about us for the teacher to remember us by. I just wanted to say that I'm a mom, but it feels like a lie. Like I'm not considered a mom. But my heart is so completely consumed by Sawyer. I sleep with her blankets and surround myself with pictures of her and none of it is enough. Life without her makes my heart ache.