1 too many.

I haven't had much to say lately, school is over and I worked my last day at HyVee. I've been teaching myself to crochet. It's been a really good therapeutic way to think without focusing on sadness. I'm making a blanket so it's a long project, and something I can use later and think of her. 

Also, exciting news, me and Devin got engaged! We went to the Final Four volleyball games last night (Go Huskers.) and afterwards he asked me by Christmas light trees; adorably whispering and I only teared up when he told me how much he loves Sawyer. I can't imagine getting through any of this without him beside me.

I went to my first counseling appointment, which was helpful because I could rant and ramble and not hurt anyone's feelings. I've also been reading the book Silent Risk. The author & Doctor researches cord issues in pregnancy and after talking with him I just have a lot of mixed feelings. I just want the cord to be looked at regularly, and for people to advocate for their pregnancy. We're made to feel safe and like everything's okay, but sometimes it isn't. And we don't know that until it's too late. I don't care that it's 1%, I wouldn't care if it was 1/1,000,000 or Sawyer was the only stillbirth, losing my child was 1 too many. Just like every child lost is 1 too many. 

Welcome to the World

Some things just make me cringe. Not that they wouldn't have before, but in an entirely different way. There's a video circulating Facebook babies born as addicts; I didn't click on the video but it started playing as I scrolled by and I wanted to scream. These absolutely selfish people were given the gift of a child and now their babies have to overcome addiction as a newborn. They're born already facing adversity. When people say "this could be preventing Sawyer from facing some kind of pain we can't imagine would have been in her future"...what about these innocent babies? I don't buy it, her not being here because of a potential pain. Am I glad she will never feel pain? Yes. But don't tell me she could've faced something terrible, a baby born an addict.. That is terrible. And never in my life would I let my daughter go through something like that. 

I attended my grandmas funeral on Monday, and I didn't feel sad. I felt glad she got to have life, 72 years of it, and that she lived to please God. She felt bad that she couldn't be at Sawyers funeral, and now I'm glad she's the first person that knew of her on Earth that can hold her in Heaven and tell her about me. She can walk again, she gets to hold her great-granddaughter and walk with her, fly with her even.

People are so awkward and always say the wrong things, that's what I've realized. I wish I could go back and take back any time I said the wrong thing. At the funeral I did my best to give people an out so they didn't have to be awkward. I got a lot of you've been on my mind a lot. Well I also got a lot of I'm just so sorry. One lady after giving her sympathy I asked if she was excited for her granddaughter to arrive, which I thought was a nice avoidance of awkward... Not nice enough, I got back an "yes! I'm sorry but I really am!" I just went with it, ended the conversation and got out. I'm sorry?! You're sorry?? I asked you if you were excited, don't apologize and basically say sorry you can't be excited but I am. I wanted to puke. I've gotten uncomfortably good at awkward and it makes me want to puke. So many things do. 

Welcome to the World newborn announcements make me want to puke. Welcome to the world my daughter will never know, hope your life is splendid. Which is so bitter, but it's what my heart feels... Bitter. Because I don't get to announce my daughter to the world. And I don't get to be excited. And babies have drug addictions. So maybe this is a world I'm glad she isn't part of.

What not to say

I don't mean this in a way that I hate you or am even mad if you've ever said these to me, just a heads up that it sucks. And you're 100% not the only one to say any of it. In my one month of bereavement, I've got more to add to what not to say...

How are you? No. No one is okay after they're baby dies, and they don't want go tell you they aren't okay. "Good" everyone just says it, they don't mean it. It feels like a painful lie.

I know how you feel. Chances are you don't. I explained this one already.

What's wrong? Ummm.. My baby died. That's all. Nothing else is wrong. And I don't know how to answer the question so I'll just say that I'm sad, but what's wrong is that I'm breathing and my daughter isn't. 

I'm here for you if you need anything. Okay you can say it, it's still nice.. But I'm not going to ask you for something because I don't know what to ask for. If you can bring people back from the grave then definitely say this, otherwise just be there. Do stuff. Show up. Text me about me and not just you. There's nothing I can ask you for, but it's still going to be nice and make me feel a little better if you show up.. Feed me.. Pet my hair.. Watch a movie with me.. Give me a present if you feel compelled to.. Something. Not saying you have to help but if you really want to help someone grieving just do something. Because they're not gonna ask for anything. 

 I can't think of any more important things to add right now but I'm sure the next month of bereavement will bring more. For now, just understand there's nothing easy about understanding grieving the loss of someone, especially someone with no tangibles left behind or last breaths or memories made... There's no understanding losing a life that didn't get to start. 

Never grow up

Reminders follow me everywhere, and don't get me wrong I love talking about Sawyer, but I hate reminders. I've never felt so angry at ridiculous things as I have this past month. Month. An entire month I've been living and breathing without my daughter. And I did my best to not dwell on that fact today. And then I was in WalMart and there was this stupid onesie in the stupid baby section that I avoid. "Grandma's Angel" a pink onesie with gold writing and ANGEL WINGS beside the words. I was in WalMart with my mom. And the stupid onesie was just staring at me screaming what baby gets to wear this?? Is this the onesie someone buried their child in?? Because your living breathing child is not Grandmas Angel, my dead baby is. 

So I let it go. And tonight, at a Christmas sock exchange, I showed my family and friends the book I made of my pregnancy and of Sawyer. And my nephew that's 18 months old finally said my name, which made my day. 

Then, tonight I read a story of another stillbirth. And the details amazed me. The story was fairly similar to Sawyers. But it made me think back to a month ago, and all of the details. 

I had the option to stay at the hospital the 4th, come back that night, or come back the next day. I didn't want to be there, at the hospital.. I wanted to pretend everything was okay for a minute. I just wanted to wait. I tossed and turned the whole night and at 7:30am on the 5th I called my midwife to ask her my options. The office hadn't opened so I had to leave a message and she called me back as soon as she got it. I told her we would be in around 10 or so.. Everyone got up and Devins dad had gotten donuts, so we are a little and decided to go to Maryville first because I would need clothes to stay at my moms for the week. So we went through Maryville, got clothes, and since I was still pregnant my appetite and craving had not gone away and I needed biscuits & gravy from McDs. We headed to the doctors office, because I wanted to see her first so she was going to check if I had started to dialate. As soon as I got to the desk the receptionist said "Sam you can come with me" and took me to a room. Of course they didn't want me to be in a waiting room with pregnant ladies and babies. I just didn't want to be back there again, and was wishing I could turn back the clock 24 hours. She checked me (um, why does no one warn people this is the worst part about all of labor?) and I was completely closed still. So she told me how to get to labor and delivery (I would've found out at 36 weeks when I preregistered but of course had no idea where it was) and told me she would be there soon. I checked into the hospital and was shown to my room by the nicest nurse I've ever met, given my gown to change into and settled in. 

I haven't went a day without words of sympathy from someone, most days someone new. It's been 1 month and I still feel support. Not 100 messages and flowers sent support, but it's there. We're even still receiving a few cards. And more than a little part of me just wants it to never stop. I don't want the support to stop because no matter what the pain won't stop, and the fact that Sawyer is crossing someone's mind other than ours is the best feeling possible right now. What is one of the worst feelings is knowing someone's good intentions and trying to answer a simple question like how's it going or how are you today... "Not too bad" I say it, but I don't mean it. Or when I worked for 4 hours yesterday (baby steps...) a couple times I just didn't answer. A normal answer from me would be "I've been worse" or something along those lines, but I haven't. I mean it might not be the specific worst day, but life is still going on and I'm trying to keep up. I'm drowning in self pity and trying to figure out grieving, even though I know that isn't real.

Never Grow Up by Taylor Swift. I played that song for Sawyer in my belly almost every morning, from about 15 weeks or so on... The words haunt me most days and I know if I listened to it I would break down, but in the same way that I hate it I'm glad that no one will ever break her heart. No one will desert her. But, she will never grow up.. 

Never prepared

We cried together laying in bed, I had taken a pregnancy test (2 actually) a few nights before, but we hadn't had time to really let it sink in. I took the tests with my best friend, already knowing what they'd say. But I still panicked. Cried. Had no idea what I was going to do. "Isn't there still a chance you aren't?" Devin asked me. No. I knew I was. I knew before I took the test, I just felt different. I hadn't been sick or anything, but I was late, and I could tell my body was changing. We had no idea what to do. I knew there was a chance that something could happen, it was early (around 6 weeks I think) and so I didn't want to tell our parents yet. 

So we didn't, and time kept passing and we still hadn't. I made an appointment that would fall in week 13, and decided to wait to tell anyone. We had been arguing over everything and I knew it was the stress of not knowing what to do. So in the worst way, on a random day in the summer, Devin told his mom. I won't get into the story, but it didn't go well. At this point I was sure it was going to be okay, I would be 23 and him 22, on the path to graduating. So his parents knew, and no one talked about any of it until my appointment. And at 11 weeks I told my mom, crying and scared to death of her reaction. What's your plan? My mom had the reaction someone can only hope for. She wanted to know our plan and let us know it would be okay. 

So we had my first appointment and confirmed that our nugget had a heartbeat.

 Neither one of us had any preference on boy or girl. And August 6th we listened to the nurse talk about the measurements of all of baby's parts.. "It's a girl baby, do you have a name picked out?" My voice cracked from excitement when I told her Sawyer. 

"Oh, like from One Tree Hill?" That's the reaction we got so often. Yes, Sawyer, like from One Tree Hill. Lee, like my middle name and my mom and grandmas middle names. A co-ed name, like Sam. 

We went to eat with some of my best friends and then went shopping for girl clothes! I bought 6 month summer stuff on clearance like a crazy person. Even some 9 month fall stuff. People normally get newborn/0-3 outfits for gifts, so I was preparing for the future. And when I think back on all of our planning for the future, I'd give up all the preparation in the world for a future with Sawyer in it. I'd be unprepared and stressed and crazy, just to hold her one more time. Because nothing could have prepared me to say hello and goodbye all at the same time to my first child, my first daughter. 

I'd take pictures of her feet. I'd take a bow to put on her head. I'd dress her in an outfit and keep the blanket that smells like her. I would let my best friends come see and hold her. I'd hold her longer and take more pictures.  If I could've been prepared, I would've.

December

Cold. That's what I think of when I think of December. Christmas, of course, but when I think about Christmas I think of Sawyer's due date. We set her due date for December 28th originally, so when she measured for December 25th at my 20 week appointment we just kept it the same. Christmas birthday, I thought it was the worst thing that could happen. Not a December without her entirely.

Yesterday was not a good day.. for me or for Dev. We both were upset, trying to go back to some kind of normal activity/routine is a lot harder than it sounds, and I can't explain why. It just is. But while we were crying and upset and trying to pull it together, Devin said I just wish it was nice outside. It reminded me how excited I was to have Sawyer in the winter so I could cuddle and stay inside with her plenty without it being ridiculous. Winter is for cuddling and watching movies and being lazy. Another thing I was glad about, not gaining a lot of weight so it wouldn't be impossible to lose in the lazy months of winter...
Depression. Winter is depressing, it always has been for me. I don't enjoy the cold or the expensive heat bills or trying to figure out Christmas'. My parents are divorced. And remarried. And their parents are divorced. And all of my aunts have kids that have 2 separate Christmas'. Plus adding in Devin's family. And we just can't ever civilly figure out Christmas. This year was going to be especially hard to plan, since I couldn't make any plans not knowing when Sawyer would arrive. So now I can make plans, and I hate knowing that I can.
Home. Christmas is when I get to be home for more than a few days. I get to go see my dad and stepmom and brother and sister for more than a day. I get to be home. I get to be home when my friends from high school are home, and most of the time I get to actually see them! This year, we'll be moving home. To Devin's parents' house, and adding a new home to my list of homes through the last 5 years. (I've moved every year in college, plus my mom moved last year!)
Christmas. Sawyer's first Christmas. My plan is to make a Christmas tree out of a tomato cage (pinterest, of course) and decorate it for Sawyer's grave. Our parents are getting glass ornaments for Christmas (shh, don't tell) that have Sawyer's footprint etched into them and her name and birthday. I'm adding a November birthstone charm and an angel wing charm to the top with a ribbon, and we're giving them ornament holders so they can have them out all year. I want to think of Christmas traditions to continue in her honor every year, that's my goal. Especially when we have more children, I just want her to be included in our Christmas celebrations.. I was so worried about her birthday not being separated from Christmas, and my goal was to make her birthday a big deal so it felt separate. Now I just want her to feel important, separate from being 'our dead baby' and be our child, just like any live baby would be.
I just want to stay in my bubble... away from December. Away from winter. Away from cold and depression. People talk about labor, having babies, etc. constantly, but I feel so separated from it.  I had a baby almost 4 weeks ago and outside of my bubble it's like I never had a baby at all. Outside of my bubble, it's December 1st.