What I Don't Need

6 months. As of today it's been 6 months since I held you. Since I felt your soft skin on my lips and observed every part of your small body. Since I kissed you goodbye for the last time. And it all seems like a blur now. But I miss you. And I know it's okay, that I'm okay and you're okay. But I'm mostly just jealous, because so many people get to hold their babies and I don't.

I don't know what I need to feel happy, because most of the time I still can feel happy. The only thing that would fix it isn't possible, so I'm as okay as I can be. What I don't need is the face people make when I tell them I have a daughter, but she was still born. What I don't need are sad faces and "sorrys" and everyone acting like I'm unstable if I post a picture of you. What I don't need is a reaction like you weren't a person. I need people to recognize how beautiful you are instead. For them to recognize your life and become aware of stillbirths, not just your stillbirth. 

No one gets it. They just try. And I'm grateful for caring and trying, but I just want more people to get it.

Songs to Grieve to...

There are certain songs that come on and just make my heart feel a little heavier, my eyes swell, and for a second I can feel my angel near me. Songs that make me think of Sawyer. And they didn't all start that way.

Stitches by Shawn Mendez; the first time I heard this song was on me and Devs road trip to Boston. I was tired and pregnant and it played nonstop for months and I sang it to her all the time. It came on on the way to the hospital for my check up.

If I Die Young by The Band Perry; it's not her song, it's Christys. My friend that died in a car wreck at 17. But it makes me think so much of them being together in Heaven. 

Never Grow Up by Taylor Swift; it's her song. It was our song. I played it for her in my belly almost every morning from around 16 weeks on... I haven't listened to it since.

A Drop In The Ocean by Ron Pope; were playing this at our wedding but it says "Heaven doesn't seem far away anymore" and is a pretty emotional song so definitely makes me think of her.

And this one is new, but Little Do You Know by Alex & Sierra; a new song that is supposed to be about a couple fighting but talks about hurting in secret and needing more time and perfectly explains my healing process.

Music really can help heal the soul. When I just need to feel sad I like having songs for Sawyer I can turn to. Does anyone else have songs they grieve to?

Strong.

Would you be "more sad" than me? Would you never leave your house? Would you end your life? Or live in denial? 

I'm sure I'm not the only bereaved mom who constantly hears it... "You're so strong" "I could never be as strong as you're being" ...am I not crying enough? Do I not miss her with every ounce of my aching being? I promise. Even when I appear to be being strong, my body is moments from a break down at the wrong words. I promise when I'm planning my wedding and escape to start over on the East coast it's an escape from the reality that all of my plans failed so I have to tell myself it's okay and keep going. I hate questioning my every move. My every word. The anxiety that comes with grief is more than the anxiety I tackled through my previous life. My pre-Sawyer life. That girl was strong. She could've been anything.

All I can be is my day-to-day best. The glued together shell of a broken person. A person that is going to get jealous and sad and is forever changed. But a mother. And that's something no one can take away from me. And I hold on to the hope that someday when I can watch my child grow they'll know their sister and make it all feel full circle and better. But my heart breaks when I think of people that don't have that hope, or even the idea of me not having that hope. Because without it I would honestly feel like I had nothing. 

I'm strong because I still have to look forward to what's next, for me and my future husband and because that's what Sawyer would want. ❤️

One Foot In Front of the Other

I was going to go to college and get A's & B's because I did in high school. I was going to marry my boyfriend and become an art teacher and I was going to keep moving forward and not look back. College was just school. But my boyfriend was a liar. And I failed tests because I didn't study. And I found new friends, a group of friends that got it. Life is hard and plans don't work. So we forgot our problems. And for a while we didn't have a plan and we didn't want one, we had eachother and it honesty was enough. 

And then one day I drove by and 2 boys were moving in downstairs at my best friends house. "I couldn't really tell, one looked tall and goofy and the other looked kind of hot." That's what I said when Jess asked me if they were cute. We grabbed an afternoon beer (I don't think we were drinking for a reason, it was a probably a Tuesday) and headed down to say hi to the new downstairs neighbors. 

Devin and Tyler. The tall lanky guy with a mullet and the skinny cute one. He turned out to be the creepy drunk cute one that hit on all of us. But sober... Sober he was nice. And sweet. And I wanted to know him. And one night dressed in 90's clothes in a frat that wasn't his, we kissed for the first time and didn't look back. He told my friends he loved me the next day so I maybe should have been nervous moving forward but I wasn't. I had a plan again. But it didn't work. Plans don't work when you live in a soap opera I guess..

Because I cried. I cried and I didn't know what to do and I prayed to not let it be true, because I got pregnant. And even at 22 it felt so scary. And then one day it didn't. One day we found out our nugget was a girl and we had a plan and a place to live and a name for our daughter. Sawyer. I wanted a daughter named Sawyer since I was in high school. But our plans got changed. And our hearts got broken. And 4.5 months later they're still broken but we have a new plan. And rings and crafts and a wedding to plan. We have a plan to move to North Carolina and start a life together and I just don't think I can feel secure in anything anymore but I just want our plan to work. I just want a house and the beach and a minute to take a breath that doesn't shiver because there's tears behind my eyes fighting to stay in.

I just want to put one foot in front of the other again.

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is a choice. A choice to go all out, to make it simple, to make it a girls night, or to be bitter. I've been dumped on Valentine's Day. I've had all out screaming fights. But every single year I look forward to it. It's an entire holiday symbolized by hearts and love and flowers and chocolate. You can't tell me when people hate it they aren't being bitter. 

Dev is 2/2 on perfect Valentine's Days so far. This year, I needed it. I've really been missing Sawyer the last couple days more than usual and although I try to promise myself not to dwell on what could have been... I am. I'm missing the idea for her monthly pictures to match the holidays, and jealous. I'm jealous of all of cute baby to daddy gifts. The outfits. The cliches. So if I need a Valentine's balloon and flowers and chocolate and cliches to feel extra love, I refuse to feel bad for it. 

I took Sawyer a rose. It makes me think about if we move away and how much I'll miss being able to do small things like that for her. It's all just hard.

My best friend told me she can tell that I'm different, and at the same time that it makes me sad it also makes me glad that she noticed, and knows why, and takes the time to care.

Caring, love, all that... I just want everyone to have a good Valentine's Day.

3 Months

Today marks 3 months. 3 months since I held you, kisses your perfectly soft cheek, and memorized your face. My daughter has been gone for 3 months today. And I miss her. And I miss people asking about her and acknowledging our loss. I miss the feeling before, when I was truly happy and so excited. The thought of excitement scares the hell out of me now. I don't know how to be excited anymore. Because it all can go away with no warning. The feeling of no guarantee has never been so large. And I just want to go back... 

3 months later and my heart doesn't know how to feel. I told my best friend today that if I could adopt a 3 month old daughter and name her Sawyer so I could just feel like this wasn't real I would. Not to replace her, but because I don't know how to feel of how I'm ever going to feel whole. People say I won't, but I want to. I also felt crazy for the feeing of wanting to dig my daughter grave to hold her again.. Until I read that it was a feeling bereaved mothers feel. And now I just feel like I've been living in this alternate mind club for 3 months. Today I took some new things to Sawyers grave, and then Devin stopped to talk to her and show her his first article in the Auburn newspaper (we are so proud!) and I just. Miss. Her. 

It Isn't Fair.

When someone has a baby, people send balloons and cards and visit and it's exciting and they ask questions and want to know everything. 

When someone dies, people send flowers and cards and cry and check in and just care. Emmensely. 

I got the visits. I got the tears. But I missed out on the balloons. I missed out on the "it's a girl" "congratulations" cards.. I missed out on my baby shower, by 10 days. And I missed out on my baby. On her cries and in getting huge and on waking up al hours of the night. I just missed out. And I don't want to. I don't want to have to explain to my future children that their sibling is in heaven. I also don't want to have to cry when I'm pregnant again and worry. I don't want any of it. I especially don't want to have to face the fact that Sawyer is gone. That instead of being at our wedding she will be in a charm on my bouquet.. 

This is just the start of what isn't fair.

Aches

It's like a broken bone. It heals. But every time it storms, it aches. My heart. My love for Sawyer. It all hurts, some days more than others. At night a lot lately. I keep finding myself crying when I want to sleep, waking up sweating, just like the week after she died. I wonder some nights what life would be like if she was here, others what would've happened if I went to the doctor that morning instead or not changed my appointment to Wednesday so I could work Monday. I know wondering doesn't help, but I can't help it. There are so many babies and pregnancies everywhere I look and I just still can't believe that this happened to me. I could name 100 babies or pregnancies right now and I was that 1%. And why can people talk about abortion or anything else but stillbirth is taboo?? The death of a baby is something that feels rude to bring up. And that sucks. 

If I know you and you have a baby or your pregnant, I might not like your posts some days. I might cry. And I might hate that you get what I just wish I could have back.. But I don't hate you. I'm jealous. So painfully jealous. And I can promise you anyone in my position just wants you to ask.. Not if they're okay. But just ask how they are? Or ask how old their baby would be. Or just something normal.

My first day of classes we had to write something interesting about us for the teacher to remember us by. I just wanted to say that I'm a mom, but it feels like a lie. Like I'm not considered a mom. But my heart is so completely consumed by Sawyer. I sleep with her blankets and surround myself with pictures of her and none of it is enough. Life without her makes my heart ache.

My Shooting Star

A shooting star, a bald eagle, flowers... These are things that remind me how lucky I am, but how much more beauty there is in things that don't last. They remind me of Sawyer. She's not here. I can't take new pictures of her or make new memories. I can't spend days staring at her. Shooting stars burn out. Bald Eagles fly away. Flowers die. That's why we get so excited about them. Because they're rare to see, or beautiful, or we know it doesn't last. She was that for me. Here for just a moment, but made me so happy when I felt her and when I saw her. When I see a shooting star, everything goes away for a minute because I feel lucky I caught that moment. Nothing will ever feel like a luckier moment than being Sawyers mom. 

I'd do anything for more than a moment. For her to be a couple weeks old right now. Or to have these last 2 months without her traded for 2 more months with her. But I can't. No matter how hard I pray or cry or push it away, it doesn't change. So I have to be grateful. I pray every night and tell God how thankful I am to be her mom, I pray that he holds her as tight as I wish I could and that she can feel my love for her. 

There's nothing else I can do but just remember and feel lucky. I've seen somewhere around 10 bald eagles and 3 shooting stars in the last 2 months... Every time I just remember how lucky I am to have my shooting star, watching me from Heaven with no pain or fear. But I sure do miss her.... And that's never going to go away. Like the hope when you look in the sky, waiting for a shooting star at night or a bald eagle in the sunset.