Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is a choice. A choice to go all out, to make it simple, to make it a girls night, or to be bitter. I've been dumped on Valentine's Day. I've had all out screaming fights. But every single year I look forward to it. It's an entire holiday symbolized by hearts and love and flowers and chocolate. You can't tell me when people hate it they aren't being bitter. 

Dev is 2/2 on perfect Valentine's Days so far. This year, I needed it. I've really been missing Sawyer the last couple days more than usual and although I try to promise myself not to dwell on what could have been... I am. I'm missing the idea for her monthly pictures to match the holidays, and jealous. I'm jealous of all of cute baby to daddy gifts. The outfits. The cliches. So if I need a Valentine's balloon and flowers and chocolate and cliches to feel extra love, I refuse to feel bad for it. 

I took Sawyer a rose. It makes me think about if we move away and how much I'll miss being able to do small things like that for her. It's all just hard.

My best friend told me she can tell that I'm different, and at the same time that it makes me sad it also makes me glad that she noticed, and knows why, and takes the time to care.

Caring, love, all that... I just want everyone to have a good Valentine's Day.

3 Months

Today marks 3 months. 3 months since I held you, kisses your perfectly soft cheek, and memorized your face. My daughter has been gone for 3 months today. And I miss her. And I miss people asking about her and acknowledging our loss. I miss the feeling before, when I was truly happy and so excited. The thought of excitement scares the hell out of me now. I don't know how to be excited anymore. Because it all can go away with no warning. The feeling of no guarantee has never been so large. And I just want to go back... 

3 months later and my heart doesn't know how to feel. I told my best friend today that if I could adopt a 3 month old daughter and name her Sawyer so I could just feel like this wasn't real I would. Not to replace her, but because I don't know how to feel of how I'm ever going to feel whole. People say I won't, but I want to. I also felt crazy for the feeing of wanting to dig my daughter grave to hold her again.. Until I read that it was a feeling bereaved mothers feel. And now I just feel like I've been living in this alternate mind club for 3 months. Today I took some new things to Sawyers grave, and then Devin stopped to talk to her and show her his first article in the Auburn newspaper (we are so proud!) and I just. Miss. Her.