So I let it go. And tonight, at a Christmas sock exchange, I showed my family and friends the book I made of my pregnancy and of Sawyer. And my nephew that's 18 months old finally said my name, which made my day.
Then, tonight I read a story of another stillbirth. And the details amazed me. The story was fairly similar to Sawyers. But it made me think back to a month ago, and all of the details.
I had the option to stay at the hospital the 4th, come back that night, or come back the next day. I didn't want to be there, at the hospital.. I wanted to pretend everything was okay for a minute. I just wanted to wait. I tossed and turned the whole night and at 7:30am on the 5th I called my midwife to ask her my options. The office hadn't opened so I had to leave a message and she called me back as soon as she got it. I told her we would be in around 10 or so.. Everyone got up and Devins dad had gotten donuts, so we are a little and decided to go to Maryville first because I would need clothes to stay at my moms for the week. So we went through Maryville, got clothes, and since I was still pregnant my appetite and craving had not gone away and I needed biscuits & gravy from McDs. We headed to the doctors office, because I wanted to see her first so she was going to check if I had started to dialate. As soon as I got to the desk the receptionist said "Sam you can come with me" and took me to a room. Of course they didn't want me to be in a waiting room with pregnant ladies and babies. I just didn't want to be back there again, and was wishing I could turn back the clock 24 hours. She checked me (um, why does no one warn people this is the worst part about all of labor?) and I was completely closed still. So she told me how to get to labor and delivery (I would've found out at 36 weeks when I preregistered but of course had no idea where it was) and told me she would be there soon. I checked into the hospital and was shown to my room by the nicest nurse I've ever met, given my gown to change into and settled in.
I haven't went a day without words of sympathy from someone, most days someone new. It's been 1 month and I still feel support. Not 100 messages and flowers sent support, but it's there. We're even still receiving a few cards. And more than a little part of me just wants it to never stop. I don't want the support to stop because no matter what the pain won't stop, and the fact that Sawyer is crossing someone's mind other than ours is the best feeling possible right now. What is one of the worst feelings is knowing someone's good intentions and trying to answer a simple question like how's it going or how are you today... "Not too bad" I say it, but I don't mean it. Or when I worked for 4 hours yesterday (baby steps...) a couple times I just didn't answer. A normal answer from me would be "I've been worse" or something along those lines, but I haven't. I mean it might not be the specific worst day, but life is still going on and I'm trying to keep up. I'm drowning in self pity and trying to figure out grieving, even though I know that isn't real.
Never Grow Up by Taylor Swift. I played that song for Sawyer in my belly almost every morning, from about 15 weeks or so on... The words haunt me most days and I know if I listened to it I would break down, but in the same way that I hate it I'm glad that no one will ever break her heart. No one will desert her. But, she will never grow up..
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