Welcome to the World

Some things just make me cringe. Not that they wouldn't have before, but in an entirely different way. There's a video circulating Facebook babies born as addicts; I didn't click on the video but it started playing as I scrolled by and I wanted to scream. These absolutely selfish people were given the gift of a child and now their babies have to overcome addiction as a newborn. They're born already facing adversity. When people say "this could be preventing Sawyer from facing some kind of pain we can't imagine would have been in her future"...what about these innocent babies? I don't buy it, her not being here because of a potential pain. Am I glad she will never feel pain? Yes. But don't tell me she could've faced something terrible, a baby born an addict.. That is terrible. And never in my life would I let my daughter go through something like that. 

I attended my grandmas funeral on Monday, and I didn't feel sad. I felt glad she got to have life, 72 years of it, and that she lived to please God. She felt bad that she couldn't be at Sawyers funeral, and now I'm glad she's the first person that knew of her on Earth that can hold her in Heaven and tell her about me. She can walk again, she gets to hold her great-granddaughter and walk with her, fly with her even.

People are so awkward and always say the wrong things, that's what I've realized. I wish I could go back and take back any time I said the wrong thing. At the funeral I did my best to give people an out so they didn't have to be awkward. I got a lot of you've been on my mind a lot. Well I also got a lot of I'm just so sorry. One lady after giving her sympathy I asked if she was excited for her granddaughter to arrive, which I thought was a nice avoidance of awkward... Not nice enough, I got back an "yes! I'm sorry but I really am!" I just went with it, ended the conversation and got out. I'm sorry?! You're sorry?? I asked you if you were excited, don't apologize and basically say sorry you can't be excited but I am. I wanted to puke. I've gotten uncomfortably good at awkward and it makes me want to puke. So many things do. 

Welcome to the World newborn announcements make me want to puke. Welcome to the world my daughter will never know, hope your life is splendid. Which is so bitter, but it's what my heart feels... Bitter. Because I don't get to announce my daughter to the world. And I don't get to be excited. And babies have drug addictions. So maybe this is a world I'm glad she isn't part of.