December

Cold. That's what I think of when I think of December. Christmas, of course, but when I think about Christmas I think of Sawyer's due date. We set her due date for December 28th originally, so when she measured for December 25th at my 20 week appointment we just kept it the same. Christmas birthday, I thought it was the worst thing that could happen. Not a December without her entirely.

Yesterday was not a good day.. for me or for Dev. We both were upset, trying to go back to some kind of normal activity/routine is a lot harder than it sounds, and I can't explain why. It just is. But while we were crying and upset and trying to pull it together, Devin said I just wish it was nice outside. It reminded me how excited I was to have Sawyer in the winter so I could cuddle and stay inside with her plenty without it being ridiculous. Winter is for cuddling and watching movies and being lazy. Another thing I was glad about, not gaining a lot of weight so it wouldn't be impossible to lose in the lazy months of winter...
Depression. Winter is depressing, it always has been for me. I don't enjoy the cold or the expensive heat bills or trying to figure out Christmas'. My parents are divorced. And remarried. And their parents are divorced. And all of my aunts have kids that have 2 separate Christmas'. Plus adding in Devin's family. And we just can't ever civilly figure out Christmas. This year was going to be especially hard to plan, since I couldn't make any plans not knowing when Sawyer would arrive. So now I can make plans, and I hate knowing that I can.
Home. Christmas is when I get to be home for more than a few days. I get to go see my dad and stepmom and brother and sister for more than a day. I get to be home. I get to be home when my friends from high school are home, and most of the time I get to actually see them! This year, we'll be moving home. To Devin's parents' house, and adding a new home to my list of homes through the last 5 years. (I've moved every year in college, plus my mom moved last year!)
Christmas. Sawyer's first Christmas. My plan is to make a Christmas tree out of a tomato cage (pinterest, of course) and decorate it for Sawyer's grave. Our parents are getting glass ornaments for Christmas (shh, don't tell) that have Sawyer's footprint etched into them and her name and birthday. I'm adding a November birthstone charm and an angel wing charm to the top with a ribbon, and we're giving them ornament holders so they can have them out all year. I want to think of Christmas traditions to continue in her honor every year, that's my goal. Especially when we have more children, I just want her to be included in our Christmas celebrations.. I was so worried about her birthday not being separated from Christmas, and my goal was to make her birthday a big deal so it felt separate. Now I just want her to feel important, separate from being 'our dead baby' and be our child, just like any live baby would be.
I just want to stay in my bubble... away from December. Away from winter. Away from cold and depression. People talk about labor, having babies, etc. constantly, but I feel so separated from it.  I had a baby almost 4 weeks ago and outside of my bubble it's like I never had a baby at all. Outside of my bubble, it's December 1st.