Strong.

Would you be "more sad" than me? Would you never leave your house? Would you end your life? Or live in denial? 

I'm sure I'm not the only bereaved mom who constantly hears it... "You're so strong" "I could never be as strong as you're being" ...am I not crying enough? Do I not miss her with every ounce of my aching being? I promise. Even when I appear to be being strong, my body is moments from a break down at the wrong words. I promise when I'm planning my wedding and escape to start over on the East coast it's an escape from the reality that all of my plans failed so I have to tell myself it's okay and keep going. I hate questioning my every move. My every word. The anxiety that comes with grief is more than the anxiety I tackled through my previous life. My pre-Sawyer life. That girl was strong. She could've been anything.

All I can be is my day-to-day best. The glued together shell of a broken person. A person that is going to get jealous and sad and is forever changed. But a mother. And that's something no one can take away from me. And I hold on to the hope that someday when I can watch my child grow they'll know their sister and make it all feel full circle and better. But my heart breaks when I think of people that don't have that hope, or even the idea of me not having that hope. Because without it I would honestly feel like I had nothing. 

I'm strong because I still have to look forward to what's next, for me and my future husband and because that's what Sawyer would want. ❤️