Numb.

Numb is a weird word. It's a weird feeling. There are so many ways we hear it used. But it's how I feel. When I hear the word numb now, I instantly think of getting an epidural. I had an irrational fear of getting an epidural because I thought I would feel paralyzed and not feel my legs or know if I was pushing, the normal fears that are attached to the things we hear about epidurals. It wasn't that I couldn't feel, I could, but it wasn't painful. I was just numb, my waist and legs felt asleep. I could feel pressure, that things were happening, I knew when I was pushing and how hard, but I didn't feel pain. Not physical pain.
I've had so many thoughts that are weird to me lately, and I'm not sure how else to explain them. Numb. I mentioned that I watch Grey's Anatomy, well it makes me cry a lot normally. I watched, people died, it was sad. I could see that it was sad and I knew I would normally be crying but instead I could feel the pressure and no pain, not real sadness. I know it's a show, but then 2 girls ages 22 and 16 were killed in the town my mom lives in and I had the same thought I tried to silence they got to live a life, they got to make choices. I have this aching feeling I'll forever be numb to death, like now I just see life as an opportunity. We hear all the time to live every day to it's fullest, but we only remember to when we get a reminder. What about lives that don't even get to really start? That should be the biggest reminder, to live every day to it's fullest no matter what because we actually have the chance to.
It's the same feeling I get when I talk to pregnant people, or listen to pregnant people express their sympathy. Numb. I have this thought in the back of my head stop acting like this only happened to me and can't to you.. no I would never wish this on anyone, but acting like it could never happen to you, that's just as unsympathetic as saying nothing at all. I thought the same thing, it wouldn't happen. But I look at pregnant people I know in 2 ways now: ones that are affected and ones that aren't. I hate being the example that scares someone, worries them and makes them afraid. But I appreciate the fear and not taking pregnancy and an unborn baby for granted. I hear the words pregnant people say just like anyone else, I know their sympathy is sincere and I know they care, but a lot of times I just feel it on the outside, and not inside... I just feel my jealousy take over.
It's like I can't control my own thoughts anymore, and I think so differently than I'm used to. I'm a positive person, and for the most part I feel like I can see things in a positive light, but sometimes I just feel so dark and like I'm full of bad luck. Sometimes I just really feel numb.