You Don't Know.

"I know how you feel" ...the words that you think will help, but they don't. If I feel like you know, I'll probably say something like "I know you get it" or ask you how you cope, etc. But my first contribution to the What Not To Say To Bereaved Parents world would definitely be not to say "I know how you feel."
Everyone grieves different, everyone heals different, and no one hurt is greater than another. Miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, and infertility. These are all heartbreaking, these all require grieving, these all are tragic situations and life altering. Just because you're in a tragic life altering situation does not mean you understand someone else's situation. I can't count the number of messages I got from people telling me about their infertility, their miscarriage, or even their infant or late pregnancy loss. Just because someone experienced something similar or to help them relate did not help me feel close to them or comforted. I felt angry, I still feel angry, that so many people lose their babies. I also just felt selfish, and honestly kept telling myself okay, but there's NOTHING wrong with me or my daughter.. no reason why.. so you don't get it. And I know that isn't a nice thought, but it's true and it makes it hard to swallow other people's thoughts and losses, especially right after my loss. My pain is not equal to anyone else's pain, just as theirs is not equal to mine. We all feel different.
Selfish thoughts, I've never had so many selfish thoughts in my life. They're consuming me. I can't talk about anything else for too long without needing to make sure whoever I'm talking to remembers Sawyer. And I know they do, but it's like word vomit and I just can't stop myself from bringing her up. I think it's part of my way of reminding myself she's real, she's a person and she has a body that I held and birthed and all of it was real. My mind is in a constant battle of pushing thoughts of her away and wanting to talk about her 24/7. So I'm not even sure how I feel, and so I can be sure that you don't know. And I'm not angry that you don't know how I feel, I just don't want to feel like someone else might think they know what I'm feeling when I can't even know what I'm feeling... My body has already done enough without me knowing why and I don't want to be out of control anymore.