So much for my happy ending.

(Yes that's an Avril Lavigne reference.) So, you know when you read a book, and you're 100% invested? You feel like it's your life. You cry when the main character cries, laugh when they laugh. You feel every emotion and you feel like you know every detail of anything that happened in their life. I'm sure I'm not the only person that feels that way when I'm reading a book. 

You know the part of the book when it all comes crashing down? Sometimes it's the end of the book. A good example of this is The Fault in our Stars. I bawled my eyes out reading that book. It devastated me and broke my heart, I felt like Hazel's heart was my heart. After I read the book, I watched the movie. I already knew the story, I knew what happened because I lived it (or at least to me it felt like I lived it)... So I didn't cry. Sure I teared up at the end and it was sad, but my heart didn't break, I already knew the story and my heart was already broken from it. 

This is the only way I can figure out to explain how I feel. I feel like I read a book for 7.5 months. A really detailed book, and I lived every second of it. I felt the ups and downs of the main character (myself), and I remember all of it if I really want to remember it, but the book broke my heart. That's what I really remember of it. So I can think back, tell the stories, "watch the movie" but nothing will hurt like it did the first time. Nothing will compare to when my book broke my heart. So I just close the book, watch the movie (tell stories, replay it in my mind, etc.) a few times, but I don't re-read the book because all of the details and the happy parts of my story have no idea what they're leading up to. I can't really think about the Royals winning the World Series, the parade, the games we went to... I can't really think about my 23rd birthday or the trips to Boston and North Carolina this summer. They happened, and I know they were fun and amazing, but the details are what I can't handle. 

We bought her a onesie in Boston. The onesie said "Future Harvard Freshman"... Future... Nicholas Sparks couldn't have written the heartbreak better. That's what happens when I try to remember, my memories all feel like stories that skip right to the end and remind me that it doesn't have a happy ending. 

I'm just waiting on our happy ending.