Thanksgiving

I am thankful that I live in this great country that celebrates a holiday about being thankful. I'm thankful for family, and food, and all of the exciting parts of Thanksgiving. This year we're spending Thanksgiving with Devin's family, a small comfortable gathering in the middle of what's expected to be a winter snow storm. Good food, great people, and crossing my fingers we can go enjoy good shopping. I've never had solid Thanksgiving plans, my family isn't big on the holiday and so I've always drifted around to wherever it's being celebrated. One thing I've always done: Black Friday. Me and my mom have always braved the madness together. This year the plan is for me and Devin to go shopping with Devin's mom and sister.
Change. Everything's changing, and I'm not really sad about it. I think that's part of the numbness. But I think about how I go shopping every year with my mom and all it really does is make me wish I had the opportunity to spend every year doing something anything and make traditions with Sawyer. Sure, we can make traditions in her honor.. but it's not the same.
Change.. We changed everything we were supposed to be doing right now, which is something I really try not to dwell on, but this is the first time it's really hitting me. This week off of school was supposed to be full of putting together Sawyer's crib and really getting her nursery and our lives ready for her. My Black Friday shopping excitement this year was centered around looking for the things we still needed after my baby showers and things for Sawyer's arrival and getting our house ready. So far our Thanksgiving Break has consisted of preparing Devin's room at his parents for us to both live in. We rearranged, went through his stuff and got rid of the ridiculous amount of unneeded clothes and STUFF in his room. We also hung Christmas lights in his room (our room now I guess?) and watched Christmas with the Kranks.
So it hasn't been the worst, but I can't help but just wish it wasn't this way. Sawyer's changing table is still sitting in the garage where I haven't finished painting it.. Her clothes are on shelves and hanging up next door in the house we're supposed to be moving into.. it's just all so different. At the same time that I'm sad and know how things should be, it also just makes me realize how honestly thankful I am part of a we and that Devin and I have gotten so much stronger together and closer through all of this, when getting torn apart from losing a child is a very real situation. I'm so thankful to love a man that loves me and confides in me while allowing me to confide in him. We have a family that's willing to let us move in, because honestly we just don't feel like anywhere is safe from hurt right now and the closest thing is being with our parents. We have stuff... so. much. stuff. We have baby necessities that we don't have to give away or get rid of, they can just sit still until we feel okay moving them into storage and then someday actually getting to use them. We have that very real possibility, and some people don't have that. We have the memories and keepsakes of our daughter. We have a daughter, and there's nothing I could be more thankful for.
So yes, there's a lot of change, and spending this week very different than planned hurts.. it hurts a lot. But we have a lot to be thankful for, and an angel watching over us tomorrow for her very first Thanksgiving.